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Sunday, June 13, 2004
|| || 11:57 pm ||
The Known Unknown
We have finally received the answer for the most important question in our life - that which we did not expect. Actually we expected it in certain ways, as in we had our doubts but you know we just eliminate it away. Or maybe it is just me, I eliminated it, after all I am Queen of Hopes. Basically, I kinda expected that at least God would be ok. But then again He told us no... We got our answer! I mean every tiny thing of hope has been shattered.
He said, "It's wrong"
So now what are we suppose to do? No 1: Leave... No 2: Stay... If we leave, the darkest days will begin and the joy of the past will soon become hurting memories. If we stay, the amazing days will begin but the guilt of God will drive us nuts...
I don't know. Am scared...
Everything is now known... but we are denying it. Why are we denying it? Don't ask. Maybe we are afraid of letting go of the joy... I mean how can we let it go when everything that is wrong seems so right... Suddenly the word 'right' has lost its meaning. It's like being wrapped around the world of terrible mistakes.
And now we shall pretend to feel unknown... like walking around being blindfolded. We don't want to hear or see anything.
I know its out for alot of things... I mean I can list like over 20 things that we have to sacrifice in the future... But why God? I can't let that go... And I know she can't neither.
But He has already spoken in His own special ways...to let it go... to let all these care go... to let the memories go... to let each other's hand go... to let the love go...
Still I pray... Still I hope... Still I believe...
For a little change... just some acceptance... after all it is love.
This is the second time I have reached out for Him again. The first time - I just felt that I can't be a person He wants me to be...maybe I was scared that I could not do this right... so i let His hands go. Then He came back with His outstretched arms... and I held Him again. So much love... I could cry! But now... I feel that He is slipping away from me... the second time.
After all these... I still have faith...I am not or rather never letting Him go anywhere again! He can leave me... He can say He doesn't want me... But I am holding on...waiting for Him to see us with the love He drew...
As I pray for God's acceptance... Still I love
Let this only wrong be right... As we continue to love and live the known as unknown...
__________-HER-__________
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Thursday, June 10, 2004
|| || 10:04 am ||
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
I WANNA RUN AWAY!!!
RUN AWAY FROM THE REAL WORLD!!!
there's just too many things flooding my mind. i might explode anytime soon... and i really mean explode! i'm afraid i might just lose my mind someday... go crazy... be sent to some psychiatrist or worst still... the mental hospital. STRESS!!! but why?! school hasn't even started and i'm already losing it! i'm beginning to lose touch with reality... living in my world of dreams. reality... my reality???
family...
the person i love most... my grandpa. he just refuses to eat.. and when he does... he eats so little. getting weaker by the day. i tried... i tried making him eat. i offered to buy him food. what else can i do? he's just not eating properly. wished my grandma's still around to cook for him.
that little boy in my life... my brother. he's so dear to me. it's so hard to pamper him. i wanna bring him out... for lunch or just to have fun... anywhere he wants go... anything he wants to do. but he would rather stay home with his computer, tv and play with the neighbours. drifting away... i have my life... he has his. making things worst... both of us have very bad tempers... we alwaes end up shouting at each other. i don't want it to be like that! i hate having to shout at him. but somehow things are alwaes like that...
so i run away... to my grandpa's house. that's where my littlest cousin is. he makes me smile... all the time. in him... i find comfort. he's alwaes there to give me a hug, a little kiss and to pat me on the back. ya... you noe like how your parents would when you cried when you were little? why is it that i seem to grow closer to him and not my own brother. both live in a little world where both parents are working ad they are being taken care by maids. but my cousin... he has me to play with him. my bro...
my dad... he keeps asking me to stay home and be with my bro. but i alwaes end up quarelling with him... that's why i choose to run away. my dad wants me home... my grandpa wants me to stay with him. what am i supposed to do?! and now... my dad's gone overseas to work again. this time... for 2 months. which means he'll miss my bro's bdae and mine too. i miss him... i really do. without him around i feel so lost. not like i would turn to him with my problems when he's around... but somehow i feel more secure. why i still sleep with my parents? coz my dad snores. doesn't make sense? although his snores are irritating... but i've gotten used to them and his snores let me noe that he's around and i have nothing to be afraid of. his snores have become my lullaby...
my mum... she needs me now that my dad is away. i know she cares for me a lot. sometimes i really wish i could turn to her and pour all my felings out. but it's not easy. she's alwaes being judgemental bout things... i just can't open up. i've tried... i so feel like just crying in her arms. but when i'm with her... i just don't feel like crying anymore. i wish she could stop working and keep me company. i need her....
friends...
i know they are all around... they will be there for me if i need them. but i can't... i can't turn to them. i don't even know what my big problem is... what am i suppose to tell them. how are they supposed to help? they have their own problems... i don't need to burden them with mine.
that special person...
he's just too far away. i don't want my letters to be filled with my problems. a phone call... in the morning... that'll lead to me crying? forget it! i'm not sure if i can handle this long distance thingy animore!
club med...
i would go crazy if i don't go there soon! i really really need that break. gosh! i never thought club med would be so addictive. this is worse than smoking!
studies...
one more year left. the last lap. i'm still not ready to face it. thinking bout a whole year of work with no break... i'm not sure i'll be able to take it. my last chance to make my grades look better. projects and all... i might just switch off. people... pray hard you won't be doing any projects with me this last year.
career...
my dad keeps wanting me to get a job even when i'm still studying. how the hell am i supposed to cope?! i know there are a lot of ppl out there who are doing just that... but no... i won't be able to take it! i'm already struggling! after i graduate... i really dunno what i wanna do. i really don't. that's what i fear the most. i would love to take a long break after i graduate but i know my dad would be nagging for me to get a job. in today's modern soceity... career woman a no longer breaking away from the norm... coz that's the norm now. everybody have their ambitions... being a business woman, a lawyer, a teacher, a journalist, a doctor... whatever! they have their own passion and know what they wanna do. but me... career-wise... i've got no idea. but i do know that i wanna be a good mother. staying home looking after the kids... i don't mind. doing household chores... i don't mind. making sure that my family comes home with home-cooked food on the table waiting for them... that's what i want. i don't want my kids to grow up the way i did... or the way my bro and my cousin is growing up. but all that may just not be possible in today's world.
life...
i dunno what to do with life... i don't like the complex soceity we're living in today. i wanna run away... far far away... i just want to lead a simple life. no need to have a successful career, be rich, big house, car, or... whatever! i just wanna stay on a little farm somewhere or in a little village leading a simple lifestyle with my family.
just needed to let all of that out...!!!
i'm losing touch with my optimism... i'm losing touch with my head... i'm losing everything...
__________~*~SpRiNg * tAmZ~*~__________
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Tuesday, June 01, 2004
|| || 11:13 am ||
Her Pain For A Shadowed Pleasure
She walked down the stairs
In her pink dress
Beautiful on her
What happened last night?
She couldn't remember
"Must have been tired"
She whispered to herself
The house was
Empty.
Everyone has left for work
No breakfast on the table
Unlike the usual days
Hungry.
She looked around
And a glass of half filled milk
Laid on the sink
She gulped it down
And then she saw it
Shadowman.
He was coming nearer and nearer
She tried to hide
But there was nowhere to go
Trapped.
"You're going to go to Hell"
He screamed
A sharp pain rose
Over and over it killed mentally
"Shadowman is bad
He is going to kill me
God, please be my rock
Don't let me go to Hell
I did not wanted to do that
Don't let him hear this"
She muttered to herself
Fear engulfing her mind
As pain pierced into her body
Then.
Shadowman came even nearer
He was going to do it
Again.
She shut her eyes
In a colourful room
Suddenly her pain ceased
Her fear dissolved
She knew it had to be
God.
She could hear voices
One that belonged to Shadowman
Compelling her to open her eyes
And obey his instructions
But there were other voices
Guiding and consoling her
The colours drowned suddenly
And there was Shadowman
In front of her wide opened eyes
Helpless.
She couldn't say a word nor cry
Shadowman was eating her alive
Her pink dress soaked with
Blood.
She was still breathing
But she wished she was dead
Her fist clenched in pain
She could only think of God
She didn't wanted to go to Hell
Like the way Shadowman said
She laid weak
Her eyes unable to focus anymore
The hunger of Shadowman
Gone.
But she was still breathing...
Okay had to let that out...I just recently read a book which had a some parts on this girl named JD and Shadowman.. couldn't stop writing something about this particular scene...terribly sad and pain...
__________-HER-__________
|
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"Some
people plant in the spring,
And
leave in the summer.
If
you're signed up for a season, see it through.
You
don't have to stay forever,
but at
least stay until you see it through."
~
Jim Rohn
From Priya's entry dated 6 November 2005- suits us
perfectly.
!SPRING!
!AUTUMN!
!WINTER!
Azizah
Edleweiss
Haider
Hana
Hazelyn
Izad
Jessica
Kabetha
Latha
Lavan
Naresh
Sashi
Shelby
Soffie
Tania
Teddy
Vithya
Yi Qian
Blogger
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Image
Forgettheflowers
mr.photoshop
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