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|| Saturday, July 31, 2004 || || 7:30 pm ||

Do You Remember The Last Times?
  1. When exactly is the last time you sat down with your family for dinner?
  2. When exactly is the last time you went out together with your family and enjoyed each other's accompany?
  3. When exactly is the last time you thanked your mother for her cooking?
  4. When exactly is the last time you decided to surprise everyone by getting them each a small gift?
  5. When exactly is the last time you kissed your parents goodbye before leaving for school?
  6. When exactly is the last time you spoke your heart out and shared your feelings with your mother?
  7. When exactly is the last time you told your father that you needed him close although he works odd hours?
  8. When exactly is the last time you shared a huge secret with your sibling?
  9. When exactly is the last time you played a board game with your family?
  10. When exactly is the last time you whispered to your parents that you love them?

When? When?
When? When?
Or is this easier to think....?

  1. The last time you wished your mother saw you crying so that she could ask you what was wrong..
  2. The last time you wanted to have dinner so badly but realized that there was no food...
  3. The last time when your entire family sat down for lunch only to end with quarrels within 5 mins...
  4. The last time your father worked for almost 24hrs and you don't even get to see his face...
  5. The last time you wanted to share something with your mother but you were shunned away because the TV was more important...
  6. The last time you had to secretly kiss your parents goodnight because you were afraid that you would get scolded for waking them up...
  7. The last time you had already made arrangements to bring your family out but someone had to back off and ruin everything for no reason
  8. The last time you decided to put away all your work to spend time with your family only to realize later that they would rather spend the time sleeping
  9. The last time you had an outing with your family where everyone was walking 10 metres away from each other, thinking or doing their own things
  10. The last time you told your parents "I love you" only to hear them say "I have something to attend to"

Does your family mean a lot to you?
Or rather how much do you mean to your family?
Do you wish for a change at home?
Are you taking the efforts to change?
Are you willing to be the change?
Do you think that you alone changing would help?


So am I to be blamed?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For Special - Seeking You...

You are who you are, who you want to be. Whom you are not, no one can force you to be. For whom you are, not all would accept it to be. Their question is Who Are You? My question is Who Do You Want To Be... You? Or the You that people want to see?

I have been wrapped with the same questions before. Have always felt that I am not what others think I am. But the thing is you do know within yourself who you are. You definitely do. Just that several things said to you tend to affect or even change the way you perceive yourself. So you begin questioning your ownself, thinking that you are being pretentious...

My advice to you... Seek yourself. Don't ask for help from others! No one knows you better than you! If you feel that you are not what you want to be...then be that woman! Be that woman you want to be.... be true to yourself! Please do... Once you begin cheating...it would be difficult to snap out of it...

I have seen you before... the real You.

It's just that when you get wrapped by people's opinions, circumstances and changes... you tend to adjust yourself to fit into the picture. But there is nothing wrong in that. You are just adapting. The only time it becomes wrong is when you don't do it willingly. When you are compelled to act in a certain way...then that would make you feel terrible...so juz don't do anything that makes you feel not you...don't pretend!

That is why you can only let certain things go if you really want to... If you put your heart and soul into it..you will be able to do it. My question to you is When Are You Ready For It? If are not ready, then don't. Don't compel.

Now I wonder if I went OOP...out of point..haha well hope you do understand what I was trying to say..

Break through the drawings of what people have drawn about you...No one is the best painter of your own portrait except for yourself!



__________-HER-__________

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|| Friday, July 23, 2004 || || 3:42 am ||

It haunts...It kills...
 
Just where would I be one year down the road? After the law diploma in TP...where am I going to go?
 
I wish Oh I wish I could pursue... 
 
Oh well... I am going to work. That's for sure! Get the money to study later... 
 
Wish I could do it now... Well a few years down the road... I will I hope
 
So yea... Is it law for me? Will I be happy working in the legal industry? I think I will be
 
But...There is always this word... But... 
 
How about people around me? Will they be happy if I work in this industry?
 
Oh please... Priya does not care about the opinion of others... 
 
Only the important people matter... And important people wouldn't mind right?I wonder... 
 
Is my happiness really theirs? Yours? How can that be possible? Will you be happy just because I am? When will you really be happy because you really feel happy about yourself? And how would you know if I am happy? Like really happy?
 
Oh well am really happy today... The impact of being spontaneous... haha it was a good day spent with her...  we went to watch a play together again and it was not pre-planned!! hehe... she was so nice to accompany me although she was kinda tired... thankies!! But i still haven gotten over Wendy... it just makes me feel guilty of myself... shucks (kk don't freak out... Wendy is just a character in the play... was thinking abt her... sigh)
 
Right back to my thinking... Career... Kinda confused I always thought it was Law for me since I was like 15. Maybe I would not be confused...If they didn'’t say NO...If they didn'’t say all that they said... Or if only I didn't hear... I hate it but it did affect me a damn great deal...so thanks to these people... 
 
So basically after graduation... Life will take a new road... Hmmm... The working life... 
 
New environment
New friendships
New commitments
 
And the old?
The old environment
Tracing memories
The old friendships
Growing further
The old commitments
Strengthening well
 
WOW... 
 
Basically I am afraid of losing... Losing the old and going forward
 
I don't like it... When you got to let go of something to welcome the new... I am scared
Of graduation
Of working life
Of parting from close friends
Of losing loved ones
And most of all I am scared
Of not being able to remember
 
The hugs...
The advice...
The pigging out session...
The crying together session...
The cuckoo days...
The bad hair days...
The exam stress period...
The dread over the 3 hr lab session...
The bitching session...
The last minute rush to meet project deadlines... 
The catch-a-movie-to-skip-a-lecture runaways... 
 
I will miss
 
Within a year... We will no longer be a TP student... 
 
Last year at this time... I still remember mugging to read Crim Pro cases... And try to understand Accounts...GRR
 
And next year at this time... Where will I be?
And you...Will you still be there?
As a friend...
Or does everything simply ends... When parting sets its foot... 
 
I am learning to cherish every moment spent in school...

 
When tomorrow is born... I want to hold today closer than how I held my yesterdays...
 
The anxiety of separation is cringing the walls of my heart...


__________-HER-__________

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|| Monday, July 19, 2004 || || 6:50 pm ||

It's a mixed kinda feeling when you are put in a fixed position... you know the kind of position where you wish you could really help your loved one but actually there is nothing you could do...

Except perhaps be a listening ear. But being just a listening ear makes you feel even more weak inside... even more helpless...like how do you know just listening to their cries...just wiping their tears will heal all the pain? Or even some pain? Just some?

And the worse part...is to see them draw such a perfect smile on their face...to let the entire world know they are totally ok...And yes the world too believes...

It takes a totally close person to know the meaning of that smile...Perhaps someone more than close...more. Just like the way someone discovered my feelings through my smile...I was able to do that too back to the same someone...

It hurts so much.

For You,

I want to help you, so please be honest with me. When you need anything, ask me. Don't ever think that I will shun away...Never! I have told you before that I am willing to share your sorrows...after all you are part of my life now. And yes, if there are ways for me to help pls let me know...DON'T tell me that there is nothing I can do or that the situation cannot be changed and you just have to live by it and whatsoever of the same kind...

I want to see you walk through the obstacles with strength and grow within them... But I wish to be there to pick you up if you fall... even if it is over and over again...I want to be there. Even if you get tired of falling, I want to be there to encourage you... And no I will never get tired of picking you up... Trust me...

As you do your part to overcome the odds...remember to keep your faith in God...HE is always there...forever...no matter what! And I will pray...

No, that trauma you faced was not easy,
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow

- The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren

And despite all these words...it still hurts... I wish I could do something... Perhaps change the situation...but I know I can't...

So I whisper...


Hear the voice, Oh lord
Of this little girl
Crying in pain
Looking out of the windows
For a perfect tomorrow
Wishing for a turn of events
To the brighter side
Holding my hands
Tightly, I witness her fear,
Her sadness
As tears flow down
Even as she smiles
Yet she claims she is okay
Refusing to accept her pain
No, refusing to upset me
I give her a hug
Telling her what God told me
"Everything will be okay,
Hold on...just for another time"
As I lay my fingers on her cheeks
To wipe her tiny diamonds
So precious they shouldn't fall
Lord...
I call out your name
Is there nothing I can do?
Give her strength
And your forever love
As she prepare herself
For another test
Let her know, Lord
That no matter how winding
The road will be
I am always here for her...
And together we’ll be guided
By You...

I am here for you ok? Always... if you are sad, cry... you don't have to smile so that I don't feel upset... Just cry...let it all out. Don't wear a mask in front of me at least... It makes me feel that I can't help you...It makes me feel disappointed with myself...




__________-HER-__________

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|| Friday, July 16, 2004 || || 12:33 am ||

The Joy Within

Shutting her eyes...

Entering the dark room
That had "ALONE" inscribed
At the black door
The silence was deafening
A sense of eeriness
Crowding the walls of the room
Her heart racing too fast
While her pace softened
The weaving art of a creature
Hung loose over the air
She felt strangled
As she walked through them
A bitterness choked her throat

Then a frozen posture
Stole the interest of her eyes
A 10-year-old girl
Her body tangled among the fine art
That painted the room with gray
Unkempt hair portrayed her untouched feelings
Abandoned with aloneness
Tightly clutching her legs
Her head rested on her knees
With weary and fear
As sadness triggered her eyes
To eclipse herself away from elation
From people and their love
Yet her name Joy

Suddenly the fear ceased
She drew closer to Joy
A single touch
But Joy sat still
Refusing to see who it was
Unanswered

"Repeat my words," she said
And she said with long pauses
As her eyes remained shut
Visualizing...


'I'm sorry for leaving you behind,
For having to blame you
For things you never did.
I'm sorry I let you down
And never picked you up
I did not know what to do
And my only escape was to
Leave you behind nine years ago
Now I am here to carry you back
To take you where I am now
I will never leave you again
I'm sorry'

Joy moved and looked up
It seemed like the first time
In the past nine years
She held Joy's hands
A sudden tinge of joy
Filled her soul
The first touch of her Joy

"Now leave the dark room with her," she said

Holding her hands tightly
She led Joy to the doorway
The light blinded Joy
But a smile was slowly drawn
As Joy and she walked out
Of the dark room
She teared constantly
A sense of guilt
For betraying Joy
All these years
Restricting the opportunities
Of allowing Joy to grow with her
Suppressing her regrets
She brought Joy to the world
To the real world

"Take a deep breath and open your eyes," she said

She could not open...
The dark room
Haunted her
The guilt
Stabbed her
The pain
Pierced her
Tears
Tears
The regrets
Weakened her

"Come on slowly...take a deep breath," she repeated

And I, the she,
Opened my eyes
Joy opened hers too
For the first time
She felt recharged
I felt Joy within myself
And I smiled
As tears flowed
I felt whole
With Joy...
Joy and I
Have reunited
I have promised to grow
With her
My lost inner self
My Joy
And I...

Ok I know this is a highly confusing material... I just got the idea in my mind... It sure feels great to find your lost inner self...
P.S: Special thanks to Ms Belinda Chong!!

__________-HER-__________

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|| Friday, July 02, 2004 || || 12:23 am ||

I'm Tired Of Thinking...

Let's just say...for the first time in my life I am tired of thinking! I see several pairs of eyes staring in disbelief...but its true...I am really so tired of thinking...

All these years, my thoughts have been driving me wild. Some have been haunting even... But lately, I realized how tired I have grown of just thinking, thinking and thinking.

On top of that... I drown myself in so much sadness and fear. This two feelings that I still cannot separate...*sigh* But I know my thoughts will return...its plain unavoidable. For those who think that I have a choice... to control my thoughts - I am still finding my way... so yes roll your eyes! Hehe

Well... I think I have reached a certain point in my mind that is so saturated I do not want to aggravate the situation by thinking further. It not only tires me mentally but physically too... Cuz I can just sit down for 4 to 5 hours thinking and eroding myself with disappointment traced with horror.

Ever since school started, I have not been thinking so much as I was in the holidays. That is because I have just decided to ignore them - to not feed them at all... but I know that when the thoughts get hungry again, I would begin to think once again...Plus with all the school stuffs around, it is kinda easy to neglect it for now.

Actually it isn't just the thoughts I have been neglecting... hmmm You know its just like I am happy with what I am now, with what I have now, with whom I am with now, with where I am now, with who I am now... So I just neglect whatever that is going to tear me down...

I mean after all...why should I bother with those things that are going to pull me down? There isn’t much time left here...so why make yourself and your loved ones sad?

If things should really change, then they would change on their own... with the help of the Time, Destiny and God... For now, this is what Time, Destiny and God has given me... Or at least this is what I have chosen... If anything has to change, it will. But if nothing can change, it continues. I still have the faith and the hopes...

This feels like it's a voluntary Thinking Block...haha. Till I find my way back to my thoughts again... I shall stay stripped here without my thoughts but with some elation for the moment...

P.S: This is totally on impulse... But no regrets at all! :-)

Someone tell me...Why do I keep hoping so much? Why do I still feel that everything would go ok? Am I just in denial... not able to accept what's really there...?

__________-HER-__________