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Saturday, October 09, 2004
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The Glass
A sudden mistake...
You accidentally tipped the glass off
Your favourite glass
Not a special memory within it
Just that everyone had their favourite glass
And you had your very own too
Its plain but to you beautiful
The glass shatters on the floor
Into million pieces
Like your heart too
You stare blankly at it for a while
Then pick one piece up
And another and another
Lay it in front of your eyes
Trying to fit them perfectly again
It hurts -your heart and your fingers too
As you glue each piece with its companion
A hope plants into your heart
Maybe it could be perfect again - you reassure
Suddenly some parts become flimsy
A fear and a doubt haunting
Can you do it?
Will you continue?
You just keep glueing them together
Going on and on
You will not give up
Just one more piece left
You feel contented
But where is the last piece?
It can't be found
Looking desperately everywhere
For that single small piece
That matters the most
Nowhere could it be found
And then you stare at the glass
A glimpse at the clock - three hours spent
With cracks the glass stands strong
With a single hole for the missing piece
The glass isn't the same anymore
Now it even smells of the glue
And several cracks on it
It is no longer plain
Instead complicated
You pick the glass up
Stare at it for one last time
And dump it in the dustbin
It breaks once again
And the missing piece is never found
The glass then erased totally
From your memory
After all, it didn't matter
It is just a glass
Any other ordinary glass...
But you know life isnt as simple as just dumping things we can't fix right. More often it is going beyond our capabilities to reconstruct any type of relationships that had soured over time. I really wish I could just dump certain things like simply dumping the glass. If only it was that simple. But as we grow older, and as life winds in its own complicated path... we mature and tend to think and reason things through. Maybe that is why everything seems like it isnt right... So often children just listen and believe every little thing that someone tells him/her. I wish I could be like a child again. You know, just live life as simple as that of the child's. Just believing. I need to believe. Again. It isnt about hopes... but believing! Its disappointing when you place certain expectations on something and they don't work your way. Yea thats my problem - expectations! I have to get away from it. Far far away... Then in that way things wld be much simpler... Without expectations? Maybe I placed them too high and hence not realistic...
Suddenly I do not like my yearnings...
Where did I go wrong?
And why?
How do I move on?
How?
Acceptance? How?
I can only cry...
I need an answer...
I need a way to work it out...
I am giving up....
I tried so many times...
I am just tired...
Upset...
And then someone told me...to use my strength... to use my ability to smile even when I am upset.. to use my craziness.. to change the situation.. not to give up.. or doubt myself.. but just to continue..
I wish God can take me in His arms, kiss me on my forehead, show me a rainbow and tell me that He loves me.. I know He does.. And He is seeing me through it all.. But I want to feel His warmth... His hands... Again a yearning... I can't express this... arghhh
Maybe I need a reassurance... I don't know what the hell I want... ARGHHHH
I am confused.
I should dump it all aside...I wonder if what matters to me really matters now? All I know is I am tired...
P.S: For the benefit of people who are wondering about whether this entry is about her...k dream on! it is NOT ok? We are doing awesome! =) Hehe... At least I have her now... Thanks duckie for being there for me through all my *tootZ*
__________-HER-__________
