rEmiNisCing...

Was clearing this cupboard in my room where I kept all my school notes and some other 'memories' and I found all the nonsense I wrote. Some tattered papers of crappy conversations the seasons had during lectures and some things l brought back home just to remember things we did. I have lots of them and was surprised to find them. Haha was reading them and gosh we are such crappified people. I came across some of my own writings, it helped me reflect certain things in my life during the poly days. And yes, I bumped into some things she gave me, little notes of love - tissue papers and chopsticks in which she wrote somethings, her gifts - books, chain, duckie wuckie, plush toys, dried roses n etc.

I need more time - to basically digest these three yrs into my head. So much happened. And there is more I want to experience here in my poly days. But nope the time is up. I have accepted this fact but its about moving on from here. The next step - where? When? How?

I dun know where the roads will lead me to
I dun know if there is time for me
I dun know if I can achieve at least one of my many dreams
I dun know if I would overcome parental objections
I dun know if I could all that I want before I graduate into His Kingdom
I dun know if I have a place in His Kingdom
I dun know if 9 years is ever enough to love and grow
I dun know if my parents would be proud of me

I am scared to be happy - Happinessophoia. Yep I am guilty of that. Any of you feel like you want to be at the top of the world but yet scared to look down? Want to reach your dreams but scared you may be disappointing someone? Want to run away with someone you love to be happy but scared that people who care about you wld be upset? Scared-ly happy I dun know how to describe. I know sometimes its abt being selfish, pursuing what u want and stuff like dat but I dun want to disappoint my parents - maybe I already have.

Wish I cld talk to my parents about what I really want to do. (wish I could tell them about her..about our love) I never believed that my parents would be such obstacle but they are. They dun want me to do this and that. Lots of restrictions. Blah blah blah. I know its easy to say just do it, but you know it makes a lot of difference if ur parents are behind u. mayb I need some acceptance from them. I wish I could move out maybe that’s the only way out. Yea, you wun understand.

i am going to start journaling. I hope it works. And sharita, remember the red book u gave me for my 18th birthday, am gonna use that to journal. So come on feel honoured! Haha. Yep am gonna try journaling. I really dun believe in keeping diaries. I juz note dates n keep a note. But this time I wanna journal it out. I hope it works. Hmmm at least for this last semester in poly.

I keep looking into the mirror
Which has been carefully fixed
Its cracks depicting the past
In my eyes, am trying to read my dreams
And then
Some shadow from behind
Is it mine?
Or whose?
And suddenly the mirror shatters
I cannot see myself anymore
Where am I?

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To run away
To purse a dream
To be selfish
To achieve
To leave everything
To get something
To sacrifice
To obtain
To erase guilts
To built castles
To fear
To be happy
To cry
To smile
To pray
To be loved
To holding on
To letting go
To giving all
To take one
To die forever
To live once
To be apart
To love