THE FOUR CHARMED SEASONS

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|| Friday, February 25, 2005 || || 12:55 am ||

(1) The Gift

The serenity of gentle waters
that roars! into her ears
and plait the fear of uncertainty
into the deeper end of her heart,

where the touch of anyone
erodes her being and masters
her into the illusion of solitude
that! she constantly seeks...

when the word of love
makes her giggle with ease
and slowly digs into her mind -
penetrating sharp! arrows!

that kill her over and over
again! the immortality of
the slashed unknown,
yet haunting past...

(2) Companion

Like a shadow,
broken from its companion
lurking into the days
with isolaton...

a roaring distance!
blooming the path
with too many uncertainities -
the lost perfect companion

the magnificence gone!
stolen by the eyes
of the enraged world,
yet seeking for ways

sacrificing all doubts
that once endangered
the glorified joy -
an useless effort proven

melting the heart
with wishes of hope -
returning of the companion
to where it belonged...

__________-HER-__________

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|| Thursday, February 24, 2005 || || 1:59 am ||

here's a song dedicated to my lovely seasons...

"i'll stand by you" --- Pretenders (also sang by Girls Aloud)

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through’cause I’ve seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

So if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you
When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along’cause even if you’re wrong

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

And when...When the night falls on you, baby
You’re feeling all alone
You won’t be on your own

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

__________~*~SpRiNg * tAmZ~*~__________

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|| Wednesday, February 23, 2005 || || 10:08 pm ||

the bitch in me is out...
and i'm sorry...
no... wait! do i need to apologise?

i guess i do... to my seasons...
i'm sorry for being the biggest bitch around... and especially so lately...

i'm turning into someone i hate...
no... i think it has always been a part of me...
it has been hiding inside...
and now that bitch just wants to get out!

damn... i'm better a bitch than that penis gal...
pardon me...

but i can't help it being a bitch...
actually, i can do something about it but i'm not going to...
at least not for now.

to be honest, i'm enjoying myself...
it's not healthy...
it's not good...
but it's definitely fun...!

who cares what will happen in the future...
really... who cares?!

thinking is too much for me...
i'd rather not think...
but this is what happens when i don't consider what the future may bring...

i wanna cry...
but tears i hide...
no... they musn't be seen...
why should i let them flow...

but thanks for putting up with me my seasons...
and for tolerating all my bitchy cuckooness...
i really don't know how long more i'd remain this way...
and i really don't know how long more you guys can take me this way...

maybe... jaz... maybe...
i would really go out there and hold the wrong guy's hand...
not because i'm blur... but because i want to...
i may just grab the nearest hand i could reach out for.
does it matter who it belongs to?
does it matter if his other hand is holding on to someone else?
does it really matter?
heck... i don't care!

maybe... shar... maybe...
i would hold on a little longer to my quest...
but i can have siloso too...
maybe... just for the fun of it...
maybe not...
maybe there's more to it...
maybe not...

maybe... priya... maybe...
i would just go out and have fun...
maybe i'd try the new kid out...
maybe... i'd just be the bitch that you called me back in year one...

i'd end it the way i've started it...

__________~*~SpRiNg * tAmZ~*~__________

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|| Sunday, February 20, 2005 || || 12:01 pm ||

when i saw him...

when i talked to him...

when i sat next to him...

when he looked my direction...

when his arm brushed against mine...

when he touched me gently...

when i looked at the photos we took...

when i remember the moments when we took them...

" I MISS LOVE..."

i wonder why... but I did...

i miss having a special someone to be physically here for me...

i miss having a special someone to share my roller coaster rides with me...

i miss having a special someone to chat with on the phone through the night...

i miss having a special someone to be on the other end of the line just keeping silent but making me feel like he's right beside me...

i miss having a special someone's shoulder to cry on...

i miss having a special someone to wipe away my tears...

i miss having a special someone to wrap his arms around me every now and then...

i miss having a special someone to just relax with after a day's work...

i miss having a special someone to share a nice meal with...

i miss having a special someone to stroll down the beach with...

i miss having a special someone to watch the latest movie with...

i miss having a special someone to look at...

i miss having a special someone to bitch to...

I miss having a special someone to share his thoughts and feelings with me...

i miss having a special someone to just... be here...

I miss... I miss... I miss...

i miss all the wonderful things that I can’t get from a long-distance relationship...

but heck... not as if I'm gonna get what I want from a Singaporean guy either...

__________~*~SpRiNg * tAmZ~*~__________

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|| Saturday, February 12, 2005 || || 7:00 pm ||

Friends...Friends...Friends

A lot of people seem to be having friendship issues these days. I remember the first time I lost a good friend in Primary 1. Well, she competes with me in class and all and yet she was one of my closest friend in school. Until, when someone new got posted to our class and this new girl intervened into our friendship and literally created stories about each of us and ruined our friendship.

That was in P1. It didn't quite matter to me actually. Some time last year I met her again. And gosh she has changed a lot. We spoke to each other but it felt so weird. And we didn't even ask each other for our numbers. That mattered to me. Like I just let go of a friend easily...

Hmmm, well I think friendships have taken a new meaning for me as I grew older. Today, in poly, I realized that friendships are really important in life... you could lose a lot of things but not a good friend.

It takes a lot to work friendships out especially in times of misunderstandings and etc. Although it may really sound easy to say that I don't care anymore, somewhere within us there is a tiny unknown part that really wants to work things out.

Maybe it is because we feel that is worth it. Or maybe because we want to work it out for all the good memories we had shared with them. But sometimes it gets too much. We really wanna let it go. Don't see the point in working it out. I think, that is the true test of friendships, working it out at the darkest time.

It is already the last lag in poly. I guess it would a good time to work friendships out and leave school with good memories.

Hmm, but sometimes you know the way friends push us to the wrong side. Or worse they take advantage of our existence. They know that as long as you are alive, they can graduate from school.

All they need to do is to call/msg you on the eve of project deadlines/test to ask you for the work/what is going to be relevant for the test. And poof! they know it already and as long as you continue doing this you are drawing them a path not to learn but to cheat...

If they don't want to help themselves, why bother helping? Perhaps instead of being nice, try saying no for once. And you could make a difference. Perhaps he/she could learn that its time to kick his/her a** up to do the work himself. Really! As long as there is someone for him/her to rely on, he/she will never learn.

So would you rather snap and say NO so that your friend could learn to do things himself or continue saying yes and fearing every minute if your own friend would copy your work and about whether someone would find out about it. Your choice! But really you should decide.

btw, where the hell are my secondary school friends? I miss them so much!!!! ARGHHH

oh vday is around the corner... that also means 15th is around the corner.. which also means that 3 project deadlines are coming along! WOW really sth to look forward to ah? crapZoo...

seasons' + duckie's call...OI!!! 17th confirm or not? swimming? PLS PLS PLS
my duckie...hang in ther hon..don't dwell too much onto things ok? will get thr all these proj then can spend many many endless time together ok? *muackz*
jasmine... wru? wru? wru? i wanna meet up with u soon...
sharita... thanks for being such a darling, helping me answer my weird redundant qns on msn abt TWP and Arbitration...
tammy... woman, got apply for university or not? this woman ah needs constant reminder lor!
latha... wishing ur daddy a speedy recovery...be strong and dont worry too much abt any other things..tell me when u are free, we'll meet for lunchie
azi... haven seen u in sch lately. hehe dont stress urself too much ok? and DONT think so much ya.. anything dial WE REALLY CARE: ME! or HER!
kay... am still trying to figure out why u told me the other day at biz park that i scare u? am i that scary?!
sash...u shd STOP finding too many guys n stick with one..haha pls!
althea...i wanna meet up with u n tuty!! OI..! (if she reads this)

P.S: I want to go shopping and swimming!!!

__________-HER-__________

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|| Friday, February 04, 2005 || || 1:18 am ||

Fear, Me and Them

First Extract

When people talk of being frightened and unhappy, that is something they have in common with most of humanity. In our eagerness to eliminate fears and 'be real', we treat fears as something to be fixed and changed. We expect them to disappear when we have explained them. We distance ourselves from them and eliminate them away, frequently assigning blame for their existence on the past or the faults of others. We often describe them as a weakness, a character defect, a symptom of inadequacy.

They don't go away when we explain them.

Second Extract

They seem to be looking for a way to feel more real, without realising that feeling more real means pushing self further into the unknown. Psychotherapy, through an examination of childhood, tends to turn people in a reflective direction, looking for the causes of unhappiness in order to break free from past sadness. Whilst this may indeed be helpful, it can degenerate into finding someone or something to blame for suffering.

'Fear of Fear' - From the book titled "Fear Without Loathing" by Nicola Phillips

Heard of being fearful of fear itself? Now that's a fearful feeling itself. Being entangled with an unknown past leaves so much mysteries to a person. A overwhelming sense of the need to discover oneself increases from day to day and along the way questions that are destinied to have no answers often persuade for an ending of that journey of discovery.

Ever had a bad dream that seemed so real? And when you woke up from it, you felt like so scared. You start to question yourself about the reason and whether it would occur anytime in your life. Isn't it strange that we even get scared of something that we know that has very little liklihood to occur in real life? It's more like we are crafting our minds to believe the unknown and hence, planting the seed of fear by our own hands.

It's complex.

Perhaps that is why it really is unexplainable. That fear you feel deep inside, thats eating you alive each and every day, drives you to the darkest alley with creepy crawlies all over the walls and feels like you are slashing your wrists each and every day hating the sight of the blood that oozes and carefully spells the word fear in capital letters in the most spookiest way anyone could think of.... That's the only way it could be described. It may seem like an exaggeration but it may even be above them all.

And it isn't really easy to be in the position of the listener as well. The inability to understand the fear one is feeling and only being able to see them suffer in their fear and wild thoughts can even make this listener feel helpless and terrible. But really, there isn't a need for solutions. You don't need to tell them what to do, how to do and the reason why they should do. Neither do you have to tell them things like 'You will get over it', 'Leave the thought/fear alone', 'Don't think', 'I know how you feel' and whatsoever of the same kind. Because seriously you do not know if it could be gotten over with or how one is feeling about the fear. And if there was a way to stop the thinking or the fear, one could have done it on his/her own without even telling you. Just listen. Try understanding. Try holding his/her hands. Reaching out. Hugging. Watching them cry. Listening. That would help.

As I was reading the book, I could relate to it several times. I'm scared. It's becoming tiring. The sadness and now the fear has grown overwhelming as well. It's irritating as well. Walking away would be simple but suppressing it and allowing it to take control later may have some bad effects. The worst part I don't really know why or what I am scared of. So now, I am confused!

I need to drown. Drown into the blurred images of this clouds that has been blocking the sunshine. I just have to drown into it once and clear everything. And once I am done, I can glow again through the sunshine and I will be okay. I think I am tiring people around me. I am tiring myself too. I am losing my true smiles that I once found. I need to so badly break away from school, home and stress. I need to watch a circus where some clowns would do their funny tricks. I need to take a roller coaster ride and scream my heads off. I need to sit around with a group of friends and share secrets and stories. I need to give some surprises to people to see them smile or see them being happy. I need to go to the beach to watch the sunset.

But the closest I could get to all these things is closing my eyes, witnessing darkness as the melody of a slightly strong breeze sings into my ears the lyrics of some transient happiness... That's a moment within a moment so refreshing so indescribable...somewhere close to drowning perhaps.

It could be the stress in school, the project deadlines, the fight for my own personal time, the lesser sleeping hours, the constant tries to reconcile dead friendships, the wanting to meet people whom I lost touch with but their inability to meet up with me cuz of tight schedules, the pressure of university admissions, the entrance into workforce in another 6 months or so, the things I hear from people about my weight loss, the eagerness to see a change in my family and etc etc.

To Tammy, the Dreamer: Sometimes it is really the far fetched dreams that bring us to where we never thought we would go. And the quest is never easy. As much as I want to ask you to snap out of this dreams, I see so much of delight and glow within yourself everytime the quest shines your way. I wish I could say give up on it, but you should know how much you can handle it. Don't give up as long as you feel that the quest is embroidered with hopes and love...

To Sharita, the Seeker: Ever thought you would fall for the moon that lies too far from your reach and the only joy you have is witnessing its growth day after day in silence? Seeking your journey to the moon has not in a least bit made you tired but instead I have seen you grow in your own little ways. Will you continue seeking for the moon that has vowed that its sole companion can only be the night sky or would rather seek for the many stars that surround the moon which may not be as perfect or as beautiful as the moon but would still aid to twinkle your life? Your choice is my agreement as well.

To Jasmine, the Warrior: Driving through the obstacles in life, you have proven a lot of things to me in the course of our friendship. You definitely know the right way to hold a paintbrush and fight your emotions with art and that is what makes you different from everyone else. Don't pull back too fast, sometimes you just have to rely on the movements and strokes of your brushes to conquer the wars. With the right blend of colours and the simple attitude in your heart, you can even draw your path through anything.

To HER!, the Lover: Things are unveiling as days go by and a little more of acceptance may be required at times, but you are doing it so well. Growing and learning about life in your arms is totally unimaginable. Overwhelmingly perfect. Leaving the unknown future aside, everything else is amazing. Even as disagreements sometimes occur and love sometimes slashes through the journey of anger and hurt we mould so quickly back into each other and before it is known, love conquers it all. Remember, don't keep underestimating yourself, there is alot that you want to do and am sure that things will fall in place. It may not perfectly fit as you imagined but it will fall in place somehow. Let me be there for you as well.

__________-HER-__________

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|| Thursday, February 03, 2005 || || 6:07 pm ||