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Friday, February 04, 2005
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Fear, Me and Them
First Extract
When people talk of being frightened and unhappy, that is something they have in common with most of humanity. In our eagerness to eliminate fears and 'be real', we treat fears as something to be fixed and changed. We expect them to disappear when we have explained them. We distance ourselves from them and eliminate them away, frequently assigning blame for their existence on the past or the faults of others. We often describe them as a weakness, a character defect, a symptom of inadequacy.
They don't go away when we explain them.
Second Extract
They seem to be looking for a way to feel more real, without realising that feeling more real means pushing self further into the unknown. Psychotherapy, through an examination of childhood, tends to turn people in a reflective direction, looking for the causes of unhappiness in order to break free from past sadness. Whilst this may indeed be helpful, it can degenerate into finding someone or something to blame for suffering.
'Fear of Fear' - From the book titled "Fear Without Loathing" by Nicola Phillips
Heard of being fearful of fear itself? Now that's a fearful feeling itself. Being entangled with an unknown past leaves so much mysteries to a person. A overwhelming sense of the need to discover oneself increases from day to day and along the way questions that are destinied to have no answers often persuade for an ending of that journey of discovery.
Ever had a bad dream that seemed so real? And when you woke up from it, you felt like so scared. You start to question yourself about the reason and whether it would occur anytime in your life. Isn't it strange that we even get scared of something that we know that has very little liklihood to occur in real life? It's more like we are crafting our minds to believe the unknown and hence, planting the seed of fear by our own hands.
It's complex.
Perhaps that is why it really is unexplainable. That fear you feel deep inside, thats eating you alive each and every day, drives you to the darkest alley with creepy crawlies all over the walls and feels like you are slashing your wrists each and every day hating the sight of the blood that oozes and carefully spells the word fear in capital letters in the most spookiest way anyone could think of.... That's the only way it could be described. It may seem like an exaggeration but it may even be above them all.
And it isn't really easy to be in the position of the listener as well. The inability to understand the fear one is feeling and only being able to see them suffer in their fear and wild thoughts can even make this listener feel helpless and terrible. But really, there isn't a need for solutions. You don't need to tell them what to do, how to do and the reason why they should do. Neither do you have to tell them things like 'You will get over it', 'Leave the thought/fear alone', 'Don't think', 'I know how you feel' and whatsoever of the same kind. Because seriously you do not know if it could be gotten over with or how one is feeling about the fear. And if there was a way to stop the thinking or the fear, one could have done it on his/her own without even telling you. Just listen. Try understanding. Try holding his/her hands. Reaching out. Hugging. Watching them cry. Listening. That would help.
As I was reading the book, I could relate to it several times. I'm scared. It's becoming tiring. The sadness and now the fear has grown overwhelming as well. It's irritating as well. Walking away would be simple but suppressing it and allowing it to take control later may have some bad effects. The worst part I don't really know why or what I am scared of. So now, I am confused!
I need to drown. Drown into the blurred images of this clouds that has been blocking the sunshine. I just have to drown into it once and clear everything. And once I am done, I can glow again through the sunshine and I will be okay. I think I am tiring people around me. I am tiring myself too. I am losing my true smiles that I once found. I need to so badly break away from school, home and stress. I need to watch a circus where some clowns would do their funny tricks. I need to take a roller coaster ride and scream my heads off. I need to sit around with a group of friends and share secrets and stories. I need to give some surprises to people to see them smile or see them being happy. I need to go to the beach to watch the sunset.
But the closest I could get to all these things is closing my eyes, witnessing darkness as the melody of a slightly strong breeze sings into my ears the lyrics of some transient happiness... That's a moment within a moment so refreshing so indescribable...somewhere close to drowning perhaps.
It could be the stress in school, the project deadlines, the fight for my own personal time, the lesser sleeping hours, the constant tries to reconcile dead friendships, the wanting to meet people whom I lost touch with but their inability to meet up with me cuz of tight schedules, the pressure of university admissions, the entrance into workforce in another 6 months or so, the things I hear from people about my weight loss, the eagerness to see a change in my family and etc etc.
To Tammy, the Dreamer: Sometimes it is really the far fetched dreams that bring us to where we never thought we would go. And the quest is never easy. As much as I want to ask you to snap out of this dreams, I see so much of delight and glow within yourself everytime the quest shines your way. I wish I could say give up on it, but you should know how much you can handle it. Don't give up as long as you feel that the quest is embroidered with hopes and love...
To Sharita, the Seeker: Ever thought you would fall for the moon that lies too far from your reach and the only joy you have is witnessing its growth day after day in silence? Seeking your journey to the moon has not in a least bit made you tired but instead I have seen you grow in your own little ways. Will you continue seeking for the moon that has vowed that its sole companion can only be the night sky or would rather seek for the many stars that surround the moon which may not be as perfect or as beautiful as the moon but would still aid to twinkle your life? Your choice is my agreement as well.
To Jasmine, the Warrior: Driving through the obstacles in life, you have proven a lot of things to me in the course of our friendship. You definitely know the right way to hold a paintbrush and fight your emotions with art and that is what makes you different from everyone else. Don't pull back too fast, sometimes you just have to rely on the movements and strokes of your brushes to conquer the wars. With the right blend of colours and the simple attitude in your heart, you can even draw your path through anything.
To HER!, the Lover: Things are unveiling as days go by and a little more of acceptance may be required at times, but you are doing it so well. Growing and learning about life in your arms is totally unimaginable. Overwhelmingly perfect. Leaving the unknown future aside, everything else is amazing. Even as disagreements sometimes occur and love sometimes slashes through the journey of anger and hurt we mould so quickly back into each other and before it is known, love conquers it all. Remember, don't keep underestimating yourself, there is alot that you want to do and am sure that things will fall in place. It may not perfectly fit as you imagined but it will fall in place somehow. Let me be there for you as well.
__________-HER-__________
