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Thursday, June 30, 2005
|| || 12:31 am ||
Three In A Row
I never thought that I would be someone standing up, without any tears falling from my eyes, during one of my immediate family member's funeral... I never thought that at the age of 19, I would have to lose someone close to my heart, someone I see almost everyday of the year and someone who meant so much to me... I never thought that losing someone could make me feel this lost...
And within three weeks, I lost three things...two of it too amazing to be lost, the other just desperately given away...I guess for every one thing that was purposely given away, you lose two other precious things... I don't quite know actually.
WE! broke up...my first lost was HER! It was a mutual break up... (please widen your eyes right now if you were not aware...even the Greatest Love Story do end...) About US!, everything else are perfect except for the fact that we are two girls, and not one male and one female. The only thing we got upset and sometimes quarrel about is the fact that our romantic relationship is and will never be accepted by God. That was our ONLY issue and that alone was enough to be the reason for our break up.
For some reason that I still do not know, I am still friends with HER! Don't ask me how that works because everytime I meet HER! our eyes just sparkle with love and the other just knows it! I still love HER! and am not afraid to admit it but I know circumstances especially in terms of religion, it will never happen. Right now, we are apart in the words of a romantic relationship but we do meet up or should I say date each other?
The chances of ME! and HER! getting back together, I assume, is very very slim even close to impossible. But as long as I love HER! and she loves ME!, its going to be difficult for US! to move on away from it. I realized, that you can choose to let something go but the memories, no matter what, walk along with you like the shadows that become a companion to a lonely soul...
I miss HER! I really do. So much, too much. Those times we used to have, our cuckoo and embarrassing moments all treasured in the name of Love - I miss them. I have not gone into the depths of my emotions about the break up, maybe because I don't know how to deal it on my own. Or perhaps it is better supressed and neglected for now. It feels like I have to suddenly look away from the most beautiful relationship in my life, but after I gave myself to someone so special, it is not easy to pretend to let go and not care... In fact, I did pretend to let HER! go and pretended not to care, but I could not pretend for long. Everytime I hear or see HER!, it just happens...I fall in love yet again!
My beloved Dad passed away....my second lost in the second week. And I never got to see him alive on that day. It's horrible. And no one can feel this pain unless you have lost your parent before. I swear none of the comforting words that people told me was ever comforting. It was too painful, too sudden. Reports showed that he passed away due to a recurrent heart attack. And as far as any one of my family members know, he never had a heart attack. We realized that my Dad probably covered up alot of things and made us unaware to his health problems.
I remembered rushing down from work after receiving my mum's call, mentioning that although my Dad was home he was not picking up the home phone or his handphone and that something strange must have taken place. All the way from Tanjong Pagar to Pasir Ris, with my hands tightly hugging the bible, tears falling down rapidly, I prayed "God, please heal my Dad. Allow him to be okay" I cried all the way in the train like a baby. Deep inside, I knew God was telling me to be prepared for the worst. I just knew it. I called HER! and cried and cried and cried even before I knew anything but SHE! kept reassuring me and telling me to eliminate my thoughts.
As my train approached Pasir Ris, my mum called me to inform me that the paramedics are taking my Dad to the Hospital in the ambulance and just then I heard the siren of the ambulance. I knew it was my Dad's! I cried, walked towards the door to get a glimpse of the ambulance, stared at the ambulance swift pass and silently prayed with tears. I ran all the way from the station to my home... stared at the bed where my Dad last laid his body and left the house with my sister and her boyfriend to the Hospital.
By then, I couldn't pray. I threw tons and tons of questions at my sister on the way to find out what happened. The rest of the journey, was filled with keeping my heart with hopes and knowing that God is there with me. As soon as we reached, I rushed to the A&E. The nurses directed us to a different side and we had to make a long detour in. And I saw my mum, waiting.
"How is Papa?"
"He's gone"
I didn't even ask What? at that moment. I burst out into tears. I just cried so uncontrollably. I became insane for a moment or so. Everyone seated at the door just stared at us... I could see in their eyes how much they felt for me and my family at that moment and probably hoping that death doesnt take away one of their own loved ones too. (Because everyone seated outside was the urgent cases...probably waiting for a life or death news) I cried and cried and cried and cried. I could not at that moment admit that it was happpening to me. By then, my mum and sister were already informing all my relatives about my Dad's passing off while I just sat like a poor unwanted dog near the roadside staring at the ambulance that took him to the Hospital and crying.
They made us wait for almost an hour or so before they allowed me to see my Dad. Dead. I was the first to enter. First to touch him. First to kiss him. I didn't cry. I looked at me and finally told myself that he is gone. I touched him and kissed him while my mum was behind me wailing her heads off. I held his hands and the coldness of his body sipped into my head, freezing my tears. His face already was bloated and his eyes were slightly red and half-closed. I tried shutting them full, but they kept opening up at least half...like as though my Dad wanted to catch a glimpse of three of us. I left the room, mind blocked, tears beginning to flow...That moment I realized how much I loved him.
After that, I don't remember myself crying so much or wailing. I teared, yes. But I stood strong. I did the entire funeral rites, although it was supposed to be done by a male in Hinduism, but I did it. It was an unshown dislike between several relatives who were not so happy that a girl was doing it as well as an emotional fight between my religion and performing the Hindu funeral rites for my Dad... it was so difficult that I almost felt like giving it all up. Because it is not a one or two day thing but a 16 days, in my case 18 days, thing...it was horribly painful and therefore I wouldnt want to type out the entire process here...Neither do I feel like going further about the passing away about my Dad...it's painful.
But I do want reassure that I am coping. That God had strengthened my heart during the funeral and all the post funeral prayers and that I can proudly declare that I did NOT shed a single tear during the prayers and etc...
I resigned!...my third deliberate lost. After my Dad's passing away, I had problems with my work place when they were not too happy to grant me leave and I was so emotionally tangled up, I didnt give a second thought to tendering my resignation even after they finally offered me leave for the rest of June. But I was so prepared to leave and in any rate, I felt that I was not gaining the job satisfaction that I was seeking for, so I tendered and requested for a waive of the 5 working days after tendering, and left the very next day. I dont regret it at all. After all, I did spoke to my parents (as well as my Dad when he was alive...the last serious talk I had with him earlier that week he passed away) that I didnt wanted to stay in that firm. So yes, I left the job and decided to accompany my Mother as she stayed home as well...
So what can I say? How would losing an amazing romantic partner, a Dad and a job all within 3 weeks make one feel? Not too bad for the job, but the first two is already enough. It feels like as though someone just shot into my PERFECT life and now everything is shattered...
But I still cant believe how I am holding on, how I can still tell everyone that I am fine, how I am still coping with things at home, how I am still loving what is already gone, how I am still hoping for certain things to return, how I sometimes feel so lonely even if I know and have friends who care, how I wish I could see my Dad, how I wish I could be that little girl in someone's pram...
I feel like as though all my happiness has been ripped apart and thrown far away. I am really not okay. I won't be for a while. I have too many things to let go especially when I am not in the state to, especially when things take place too sudden.
But still, my heartfelt appreciation to YOU! (thanks da for being there...as a friend, for seeing me through...for re-assuring me...for now really sharing your Dad with me...thank you. I wont forget how you were the 1st to rush down for me on that day when my Dad passed away...I wont forget that hug you gave me when we met outside after my Dad's funeral at Cityhall on 140605...thank you. I wouldnt be ME! without YOU!..thanks for the red roses!), Sharita (you were the only one of all my poly friends to see my Dad alive when the last time she gave to my place..and I recently found out that her dad knows my Dad..the world is small), Tammy, Jasmine (my mum is forever confused between Tam n Jaz), Jai (my mum thinks that this guy looks really good), Haider (if my mum was younger, she probably would date him...dun ask me why), TP Lecturers esp Mr Ferlin, Ms Eileen Ng & Ms Srila Kurup (thanks for the card..brillant words, Mr Ferlin..as well as the special care and love), my ex-colleagues (i am not naming them), Thulase, Rene (this two people..will never forget. They are out there for me always and I just know it...I treasure them and am grateful to have got to know them...thanks for the pink & purple tulips...) Lavan (thanks so much...the only survivor who stayed through the entire funeral proceedings..it was so nice to have you there! Really..it mattered), Church people (choosin not to name them... thanks for the specially delivered card, the cookies and postcard), Althea (my sec sch closest sister...she was there at the last part of the funeral...the part where I really needed someone to be there for me..and she held my hands and appeared like an angel..thanks for the white roses) and everyone else who was present physically during my bereavement as well as those who silently prayed for me and sent me condolences...thank you...
As for now, I am drifting away...
__________-HER-__________
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Wednesday, June 22, 2005
|| || 12:56 am ||
a 1.5 litre tub of Neapolitan ice-cream with my tata in less than half an hour.
YUMMY!!!
hope you feel better girl (dun make me gain weight for nothing)... am sure things will be just fine.
__________~*~SpRiNg * tAmZ~*~__________
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Wednesday, June 01, 2005
|| || 9:55 pm ||
Impulse
definition: sudden urge to act without thinking about the results
Have you did anything silly impulsively? Totally without considering other options. Just doing it for that moment because your heart asks you to do it and you just know within your heart that if you lose that moment, there isn't going to be any such chances coming your way. No second thoughts. Doing this something impulsively, makes you dare (of course the act has to be good in nature).
Ask my seasons, and they probably tell you that I am the most impulsive one among us. Nod. I work wonders with impulsiveness.When I have this sudden urge to do something, it just feels like a voice penetrates into me and screams into my ears this: You have to do it! But you know, its amazing to work with impulse. It does wonders. You have this exhilarating feeling about the entire thing, that I can't seem to describe.
But the sweetness of impulse is that it blooms no regrets. I am never filled with regrets everytime I do anything impulsively. I guess that is the beauty of being impulsive. Sometimes don't allow second thoughts to pave into your path because the minute they do, doubts set in and fear ruins the choice you want to make. At times, its better to grab the opportunities at that moment. For you will never know the results, till you seize it. Even if the joy is for a transient moment, its worth it.
So do something with impulse and be amazed of that sudden rush of joy...try this: Talk to a stranger on the train/bus and share with him/her something that made you upset on that day. You'll be surprised at what he/she could reply to you because seriously they possibly cannot ignore your sharing.
Angel
definition: a messenger or servant of God
Seeing an angel is really something - a sign of God. At least that is what I believe. I recently saw an angel formed by the clouds in the sky, her hands cupped together like as though she is collecting some tears situated in the background of a sun-setting orange sky. It was BEAUTIFUL! I stood amazed at His creation. But for that moment I stopped and stared at the angel, my heart felt so eased and I could not stop smiling. I walked off thanking God for that, like it really made my day!
Sometimes I guess we don't really need to see the Angel, like boldly at our faces. Angels I guess come in different forms. Even a beautiful moth (I know many would think that moths are not beautiful and that if they are they are probably butterflies, but I just think that moths are more beautiful than butterflies) could be an angel. I guess sometimes we tend to not take notice of little things in life, that they hide away from our eyes and we lose the simple elements that beautify life's journey.
I met a woman once, who was entirely dressed in white sometime in secondary 4. I think I have mentioned to some people and even on the blog. White Lady. I will never forget her. Just once and she made an impact in my life. I never met her again nor can I get through the telephone number she gave me. She told me this: If you believe, you can do it! And yes I did do it and got through it...
Another stranger told me quite recently on Thursday: "Sometimes God sends you this people for you to meet, like angels, just for a moment and then you never meet them again, they walk away making a difference. Maybe Sister, I am the one for you now". And well she did make a difference...
I guess angels are everywhere, its just about finding who was sent for you...And I have definitely found a handful...
Certain things slip away just when we learn to cherish them...Sometimes we purposely let them go, sometimes we realize that they don't belong to us anymore and at other rarer times we learn to thank God for what we once found and now have lost...
__________-HER-__________
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"Some
people plant in the spring,
And
leave in the summer.
If
you're signed up for a season, see it through.
You
don't have to stay forever,
but at
least stay until you see it through."
~
Jim Rohn
From Priya's entry dated 6 November 2005- suits us
perfectly.
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!AUTUMN!
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