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Thursday, June 30, 2005
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Three In A Row
I never thought that I would be someone standing up, without any tears falling from my eyes, during one of my immediate family member's funeral... I never thought that at the age of 19, I would have to lose someone close to my heart, someone I see almost everyday of the year and someone who meant so much to me... I never thought that losing someone could make me feel this lost...
And within three weeks, I lost three things...two of it too amazing to be lost, the other just desperately given away...I guess for every one thing that was purposely given away, you lose two other precious things... I don't quite know actually.
WE! broke up...my first lost was HER! It was a mutual break up... (please widen your eyes right now if you were not aware...even the Greatest Love Story do end...) About US!, everything else are perfect except for the fact that we are two girls, and not one male and one female. The only thing we got upset and sometimes quarrel about is the fact that our romantic relationship is and will never be accepted by God. That was our ONLY issue and that alone was enough to be the reason for our break up.
For some reason that I still do not know, I am still friends with HER! Don't ask me how that works because everytime I meet HER! our eyes just sparkle with love and the other just knows it! I still love HER! and am not afraid to admit it but I know circumstances especially in terms of religion, it will never happen. Right now, we are apart in the words of a romantic relationship but we do meet up or should I say date each other?
The chances of ME! and HER! getting back together, I assume, is very very slim even close to impossible. But as long as I love HER! and she loves ME!, its going to be difficult for US! to move on away from it. I realized, that you can choose to let something go but the memories, no matter what, walk along with you like the shadows that become a companion to a lonely soul...
I miss HER! I really do. So much, too much. Those times we used to have, our cuckoo and embarrassing moments all treasured in the name of Love - I miss them. I have not gone into the depths of my emotions about the break up, maybe because I don't know how to deal it on my own. Or perhaps it is better supressed and neglected for now. It feels like I have to suddenly look away from the most beautiful relationship in my life, but after I gave myself to someone so special, it is not easy to pretend to let go and not care... In fact, I did pretend to let HER! go and pretended not to care, but I could not pretend for long. Everytime I hear or see HER!, it just happens...I fall in love yet again!
My beloved Dad passed away....my second lost in the second week. And I never got to see him alive on that day. It's horrible. And no one can feel this pain unless you have lost your parent before. I swear none of the comforting words that people told me was ever comforting. It was too painful, too sudden. Reports showed that he passed away due to a recurrent heart attack. And as far as any one of my family members know, he never had a heart attack. We realized that my Dad probably covered up alot of things and made us unaware to his health problems.
I remembered rushing down from work after receiving my mum's call, mentioning that although my Dad was home he was not picking up the home phone or his handphone and that something strange must have taken place. All the way from Tanjong Pagar to Pasir Ris, with my hands tightly hugging the bible, tears falling down rapidly, I prayed "God, please heal my Dad. Allow him to be okay" I cried all the way in the train like a baby. Deep inside, I knew God was telling me to be prepared for the worst. I just knew it. I called HER! and cried and cried and cried even before I knew anything but SHE! kept reassuring me and telling me to eliminate my thoughts.
As my train approached Pasir Ris, my mum called me to inform me that the paramedics are taking my Dad to the Hospital in the ambulance and just then I heard the siren of the ambulance. I knew it was my Dad's! I cried, walked towards the door to get a glimpse of the ambulance, stared at the ambulance swift pass and silently prayed with tears. I ran all the way from the station to my home... stared at the bed where my Dad last laid his body and left the house with my sister and her boyfriend to the Hospital.
By then, I couldn't pray. I threw tons and tons of questions at my sister on the way to find out what happened. The rest of the journey, was filled with keeping my heart with hopes and knowing that God is there with me. As soon as we reached, I rushed to the A&E. The nurses directed us to a different side and we had to make a long detour in. And I saw my mum, waiting.
"How is Papa?"
"He's gone"
I didn't even ask What? at that moment. I burst out into tears. I just cried so uncontrollably. I became insane for a moment or so. Everyone seated at the door just stared at us... I could see in their eyes how much they felt for me and my family at that moment and probably hoping that death doesnt take away one of their own loved ones too. (Because everyone seated outside was the urgent cases...probably waiting for a life or death news) I cried and cried and cried and cried. I could not at that moment admit that it was happpening to me. By then, my mum and sister were already informing all my relatives about my Dad's passing off while I just sat like a poor unwanted dog near the roadside staring at the ambulance that took him to the Hospital and crying.
They made us wait for almost an hour or so before they allowed me to see my Dad. Dead. I was the first to enter. First to touch him. First to kiss him. I didn't cry. I looked at me and finally told myself that he is gone. I touched him and kissed him while my mum was behind me wailing her heads off. I held his hands and the coldness of his body sipped into my head, freezing my tears. His face already was bloated and his eyes were slightly red and half-closed. I tried shutting them full, but they kept opening up at least half...like as though my Dad wanted to catch a glimpse of three of us. I left the room, mind blocked, tears beginning to flow...That moment I realized how much I loved him.
After that, I don't remember myself crying so much or wailing. I teared, yes. But I stood strong. I did the entire funeral rites, although it was supposed to be done by a male in Hinduism, but I did it. It was an unshown dislike between several relatives who were not so happy that a girl was doing it as well as an emotional fight between my religion and performing the Hindu funeral rites for my Dad... it was so difficult that I almost felt like giving it all up. Because it is not a one or two day thing but a 16 days, in my case 18 days, thing...it was horribly painful and therefore I wouldnt want to type out the entire process here...Neither do I feel like going further about the passing away about my Dad...it's painful.
But I do want reassure that I am coping. That God had strengthened my heart during the funeral and all the post funeral prayers and that I can proudly declare that I did NOT shed a single tear during the prayers and etc...
I resigned!...my third deliberate lost. After my Dad's passing away, I had problems with my work place when they were not too happy to grant me leave and I was so emotionally tangled up, I didnt give a second thought to tendering my resignation even after they finally offered me leave for the rest of June. But I was so prepared to leave and in any rate, I felt that I was not gaining the job satisfaction that I was seeking for, so I tendered and requested for a waive of the 5 working days after tendering, and left the very next day. I dont regret it at all. After all, I did spoke to my parents (as well as my Dad when he was alive...the last serious talk I had with him earlier that week he passed away) that I didnt wanted to stay in that firm. So yes, I left the job and decided to accompany my Mother as she stayed home as well...
So what can I say? How would losing an amazing romantic partner, a Dad and a job all within 3 weeks make one feel? Not too bad for the job, but the first two is already enough. It feels like as though someone just shot into my PERFECT life and now everything is shattered...
But I still cant believe how I am holding on, how I can still tell everyone that I am fine, how I am still coping with things at home, how I am still loving what is already gone, how I am still hoping for certain things to return, how I sometimes feel so lonely even if I know and have friends who care, how I wish I could see my Dad, how I wish I could be that little girl in someone's pram...
I feel like as though all my happiness has been ripped apart and thrown far away. I am really not okay. I won't be for a while. I have too many things to let go especially when I am not in the state to, especially when things take place too sudden.
But still, my heartfelt appreciation to YOU! (thanks da for being there...as a friend, for seeing me through...for re-assuring me...for now really sharing your Dad with me...thank you. I wont forget how you were the 1st to rush down for me on that day when my Dad passed away...I wont forget that hug you gave me when we met outside after my Dad's funeral at Cityhall on 140605...thank you. I wouldnt be ME! without YOU!..thanks for the red roses!), Sharita (you were the only one of all my poly friends to see my Dad alive when the last time she gave to my place..and I recently found out that her dad knows my Dad..the world is small), Tammy, Jasmine (my mum is forever confused between Tam n Jaz), Jai (my mum thinks that this guy looks really good), Haider (if my mum was younger, she probably would date him...dun ask me why), TP Lecturers esp Mr Ferlin, Ms Eileen Ng & Ms Srila Kurup (thanks for the card..brillant words, Mr Ferlin..as well as the special care and love), my ex-colleagues (i am not naming them), Thulase, Rene (this two people..will never forget. They are out there for me always and I just know it...I treasure them and am grateful to have got to know them...thanks for the pink & purple tulips...) Lavan (thanks so much...the only survivor who stayed through the entire funeral proceedings..it was so nice to have you there! Really..it mattered), Church people (choosin not to name them... thanks for the specially delivered card, the cookies and postcard), Althea (my sec sch closest sister...she was there at the last part of the funeral...the part where I really needed someone to be there for me..and she held my hands and appeared like an angel..thanks for the white roses) and everyone else who was present physically during my bereavement as well as those who silently prayed for me and sent me condolences...thank you...
As for now, I am drifting away...
__________-HER-__________
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"Some
people plant in the spring,
And
leave in the summer.
If
you're signed up for a season, see it through.
You
don't have to stay forever,
but at
least stay until you see it through."
~
Jim Rohn
From Priya's entry dated 6 November 2005- suits us
perfectly.
!SPRING!
!AUTUMN!
!WINTER!
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Edleweiss
Haider
Hana
Hazelyn
Izad
Jessica
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Lavan
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