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Wednesday, December 28, 2005
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As The Year Ends - 2005 (Part II - Paving Myself Into 2006)
I wouldn't know standing now trying to foresee what lingers in all my tomorrows. The diction of the unknown will slowly recite into my life as each day passes. Whether the melodies of the future are going to turn out beautiful depends on the way I choose to clap for each situation and the choices I make.
I got pretty distracted and started to read my 'As The Year Ends' entries for 2003 and 2004. Pretty interesting.
I guess the uncertainties of the coming year sipping into my head is a consistent thing that happens every year, at least for the recent 5 years. Strange. Actually for 2006 - I am kind of looking forward to the beginning of 2006, in a way that I can finally get rid of 2005. Yep, I do want to actually get rid of 2005.
Like there is a dying need to have a fresh beginning to everything - to my life. A need to have an enormous positive change in my life, like starting everything out from square one. I guess that is what I want from 2006. Something positive and something that is going to make me feel really good about myself and happy - simple as it sounds. Something fulfilling. Something like Love, yet unlike it.
I am looking forward to a promotion or rather a confirmation in the first quarter of 2006 which also would indicate a pay rise - that I seriously need. If you haven't heard it, I am really in love with my job. The stories of different strangers have taught me many things about Life, such valuable lessons for each new day that I can carry with me for all my tomorrows. It's exactly what I wanted -a form of social service, an interaction with people and the law, seriously what more can I ask when I am all satisfied?
I wish to build closer ties with my mother and my sister. We don't really realize the importance of people we meet every single day until we suddenly lose them unexpectedly. Then, we realize that we want to treasure the others we have left. I guess I have learnt. I love to give all my love to my mother and sister. There is some form of fear or maybe loneliness in my mother's eyes that I wish to eliminate. Some love that I feel that she deserves. I saw her cry too much this year and I want to be all that she wants me to be - her perfect daughter I wish I will be. At least, I want to show her how thankful I am for the perfect mother she has been. To each child, their own mother/father is always perfect no matter what.
2006 means 21 years of age. For the first time in my life, on the twenty-first year of my life, I have decided to keep a diary. That is also my New Year Resolution - something that I rarely have. I am not too sure how it is going to turn out to be but I am quite positive that I do want to pen down certain things that I wish to remember some years down the road. Whether it is a stranger that struck a conversation with me or whether it is a beggar in the street, I am going to have it noted as long as I think that it should be remembered. Some day when I look back,I really want to know what happened in the year I turned 21. Don't ask me why - I havent figured it out myself.
With just a few days more to 2006, another set of memories of the past year luggaged with the strength that life experiences had provided me, I am taking my plunge into the coming year with a smile, a renewed heart, valuable lessons learnt and memories to carry me through - that has been with me then and will be with me forever...
__________-HER-__________
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Tuesday, December 06, 2005
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As The Year Ends - 2005
(Part I - Reciting 2005 Again)
Sneaking into the year 2006 in less than a month would mean that its time for an entry that basically summarizes the year 2005.
I recall January 2005, probably the only month of the year that brought me real happiness - it doesn't mean that I was depressed and wrapped with the symphonies of melancholy the rest of the year; it just means that the rest of the year did not turn out as how I expected it to be. Then again, its in the expectations that we plant that often makes us upset.
I remembered rushing through the projects in February and mugging for the exams in March. By April, we were unofficially free from school and I dumped myself in a law firm within 3 weeks. I guess that is when things soured.
May, June and July 2005 were the most horrible months of 2005 - bringing in the ultimate change in my life. Now that sounds overly dramatic but I really think it was. And the rest of the year has been basically stitching back the broken pieces of my heart. Thank God for August - my new joy and of course Tammy as well. I finally saw hope in August 2005 and things started brightening up! As the months went by, I realized I actually grew happier and crazier as I was working with Tammy. I really have to admit that besides influencing her to my crazy side as well, I got to know her in more personal way and in a way it is enriching. It is like you're already close to this friend but you are getting to know the person in another higher level.
November overtook all the misery of the past few months and erased them all away - only for a transient moment though. Then Jasmine came into our office on the 21st and woo-la! we became more crazy. Now we get to steal time from work and sit down and chit chat for a moment or so. Having Jasmine around, kind of reinforces my goals in my head. Because Jasmine is a very goal-ridden person and having her around motivates you in the strangest ways.
Now in December, as usual, I am bumping into the 'Prohibited' walls of thinking and drowning into my own uncalled for heartache. But of course I have Sharita, throwing me back to reality and chasing me from la-la land. Decembers are always heartache for me, only this year it started out so much earlier than compared to other years.
I don't think I am looking forward for Christmas this year - it is the first time this is happening ever! And even the Christmas tree is not out for display this year, plainly because we are not celebrating this time round. Hell! It is going to be so weird without Dad around but last Christmas was the best I ever had. Just did not expect it to be the last best. Unless something better happens - but it will be the last best I spent with my entire family.
2005, followed by 1995, will be yet another year that I will not forget, I can't forget. I don't think anyone would be able to forget the memories of a year in which he/she lost a parent. Yep, indeed!
I recalled the year 1996. It was not that different from 1995, just a centimeter better. But 1996 was overcoming the memories of1995, overcoming the pain that 1995 put me through. I fear 2006 would be spent like that. I am pretty certain that May - June 2006 will not be good though.
Well, standing on the 6th day of December 2005 which happens to be my parents' 24th Wedding Anniversary, and glancing through the vivid memories of what 2005 brought me, I only have one thing to seriously scream out loud and that is I have absolutely "emerged stronger". I have become this woman I cannot believe this is me - this after all was not me a year ago. Next Entry: As The Year Ends - 2005 (Part II: Paving Myself Into 2006)
__________-HER-__________
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"Some
people plant in the spring,
And
leave in the summer.
If
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but at
least stay until you see it through."
~
Jim Rohn
From Priya's entry dated 6 November 2005- suits us
perfectly.
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!AUTUMN!
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